pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Peirre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says...

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"

sunday school

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on
Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one
of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in
the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine
looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the
collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how
about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he
polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up
and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they
sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday
School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out
a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you
like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday
School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got
in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the
Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like
to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right
then and there across the median and everything, and drove
back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning
Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done?
Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke
up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't
have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

kids say...

One day, Mom was cleaning Little Johhny's room, and in
the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was
highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his
father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about
this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you
should spank him."

**Bonus Second Joke!**

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has
just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in
your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a
doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well,
honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types
like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system
and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she
closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

I'm sick...

This guy is looking for some help at his manufacturing plant so he puts an ad in the paper.
This guy shows up so he puts him to work and this guy is a fantastic worker, never had anyone better. Monday rolls along and the guy gets a phone call from his new employee. "Can't come in today, I'm sick."
So the guy figures what the hell. Tuesday to Friday the new guy's back and again a fantastic job, couldn't be better.
Monday rolls along and the guy gets a phone call from his new employee again. "Can't come in today, I'm sick."
The boss sighs but he's never had such a good employee so what the hell. Tuesday to Friday the new guy's just great but again on Monday morning the boss gets the phone call. "Can't come in today, I'm sick."
Tuesday the boss sits the new guy down. "So what's up with this crap you keep pulling on Mondays? I mean you're the best employee I've ever had and I'd hate to let you go but what's up with this?"
"Well every Monday on my way to work I stop by my sister's place just to see how she's doing and well one thing leads to another and we end up spending the rest of the day screwing our brains out."
"Oh CHRIST that's disgusting!!!!!!"
"HEY, I told you I was sick..."

Etch-A-Sketch

FAQ in Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

when you're drunk...

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
Cogito ergo sum
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!


**Bonus second bar joke!!**

GUY - "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
GIRL - "Yeah. That's why I don't go there anymore!"
GUY - "Really? I heard it was because everyone there thought you were a fat slut..."